Being emotionally unstable leaves me physically drained. I can't practice without thoughts of Jordyn beating at my gut, my skull. Not necisarily good thoughts, not necisarily bad. I can't focus in school without the regret of loosing Sidney stabbing my heart, spiking my stomach. Wondering why she's mad (although she's told me time after time, I don't understand how I hurt her so much,) and brainstorming ways to gain her forgiveness, earn her trust, build her friendship. I can't sleep knowing my loose grip on the bond between my lifelong bestfriend Chloe, is fading faster then my mind can process, faster then my body can react. Like being suffocated in your own breath, trying to escape your fate, but confused why whats happening is happening, processing ideas, reminising on the past --wether the past was two years ago or two hours ago--.
In my usual state, I'd be defining my relationships with boys (a boy), or ranting the terms I and my parents stand on. I think it was yesterday that it actually hit me; that I'm loosing more then I ever realized I could. More important then boys, more important then being grounded, more important then my succes in extra-carricular activities, I'm loosing the people who have held me up, kept me secure, either my whole life (Chloe), or the past two years (Sidney... Jordyn??) I don't know how to deal with the situation at hand. Forget about them? They'll find you when they're ready to talk, for now, focus on other things? Or to make it up to them, in any way that I can? Its all so vague, if only the golden shimmering light that shines upon them could suddenly, for one second, inspire me, encouarge me, maybe I'd be back to the life I lead over the summer. Or maybe, I want anything but that. Maybe, becoming who I am today is the reason I don't have those three people in my life anymore. ? Is it possible, that the one time I felt so comfortable, so included and safe, was the one experience that I should have feared? Today? My scattered thoughts crowd my mind, leaving no space for much else. I've worked so hard to achieve the most comforting sate in my life and its all been drained from me. A whole lake of all the things I thought perfect: friends I can be myself around, a good relationship with my parents, success in school, the perfect boyfriend... gone. The sad thing is, I can't even tell myself why. I can't come up with an explanation. Is it even me that has lead myself to the becoming of this stage in life? Of course it is... who am I kidding? Sidney? No. Jordyn, duh, NO. Chloe, nope. I begin to wonder if I should have seen this coming. I pace through memmories, the good and the bad, trying to find a solution.
Thinking of loosing Chloe frightens me the most. Chloe. The one person I always knew I'd always have, and now? Second guessing our friendship?? Impossible. At least I thought so. She seems to have no time for me anymore. Even making plans in advance seem to fall through. I could give a hundred examples of the things she has done to make me feel like less of a human being, but what good would that do? She has no idea how I tear up writing this, no idea how tight this snake is squeezing my neck, no idea the kind of pain I feel knowing we're loosing so much.
And Sidney?? I never would have guessed she could hold such a grudge. That I have caused her so much doubt in me, our friendship. All because I didn't tell her I had a boyfriend she thinks I don't have my priorities straight?? Because I wasn't ready to tell people about him, in case something went wrong in the first few days? Apparently I don't know how Sid feels because in no way can I even begin to think I'd hate someone for the reason she hates me.
I don't know how to fix this. Simply because I don't know what went wrong. I've apologized to Sidney, I've tried to spend time with Chloe, I've tried to be nice to Jordyn (not that I'm sure I want her back in my life tho), and I've tried to straighten out the kinks in myself, but nothing seems to work. If words can shed that golden light that falls upon my losses, so be it.